Life is stressful and seemingly not in our favour. And especially within this social and cultural milieu, it often feels like a rat race. Although admittedly, most of the struggle or suffering is aggravated by and attributed to the choices we make and our perception of things. These are some virtues and habits that I try to live by to be a better and more positive person and to flourish amidst the trials and tribulations of life. My goal here is not to impart wisdom but to share and bookkeep some of the things which help me to keep my emotions in check and find calm and happiness in life.
1. Accept that life is full of curveballs
As much as I wish life pans out according to how I hope, life likes to screw us over. The failure or disappointment might feel like a huge setback and dent in our life but could be masquerading as a blessing. Life is full of crossroads and there will invariably be moments of hard choices and dead ends, but I guess there is no inherently ‘right’ path and whatever path we choose to take, we should make the best of it. And in cases where we get thrown off course, find another path, go in with an open-mind and view it as an opportunity. It is through some of these alternative outcomes that we find the most unexpected of joys or meaning.
It’s okay to be hopeful and to strive for what we think is the best outcome, but if we are too fixated on a particular outcome, we become forced into a mindset of delusion and obstinacy and become prone to despondency. To learn to accept an alternate reality and have faith that it is for the better is a mindset I’m working on.
Go with the flow and let life follow its own trajectory. I guess nothing is really set in stone and what you have (or don’t have) at this point in time may not have much of a bearing on the future. What I’m trying to improve on is to fret less about the future and enjoy the present. What matters more is making the best case for ourselves with the circumstances that life has presented us with.
2. Have healthier perceptions
If you’ve read anything about the philosophy of stoicism, you’d probably know that perception is one of its fundamental tenets. Perception has a huge bearing on our mental wellbeing and our ability to grow. A lot of things in life are beyond our control, but one thing that we have full control over is our perceptions toward it. Or as Viktor Frankl puts it:
“everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way”
Even in the most painful of situations (although most of the struggles we think we face cannot really compare to the ‘real’ struggle others face), we are able to choose how we respond to it; we could blame someone or something or we could try and find a silver lining in it and gain something from the experience. Having healthier perceptions does not entail finding positivity in all situations but perhaps objectively assessing the situation, accepting the circumstances and managing our emotional responses.
3. Be less apologetic — to others & yourself
Whenever a friend experiences something unfortunate, my natural response would be “I’m sorry”. But I’ve come to realise how little consolation this phrase offers and it may come off as somewhat blasé. Instead, make it known that you care for them by listening to them. Offer a prayer or rationalise the situation.
On that same vein, being apologetic to ourselves — feeling pitiful or regretful about the past — does not do much in the way of helping us. Yeah, life sucks but lamenting about it probably won’t improve it.
4. Be more self-aware
Self-awareness is a crucial but underrated virtue. Self-awareness helps us to recognise and evaluate our thoughts, judgements, emotions and values / goals. Self-awareness also helps us to understand how other people view us as well as our strengths and weaknesses. A person with high self-awareness is able to find more satisfaction in their work and relationships and better manage their emotions when dealing with adversities. How I try to cultivate more self-awareness is through introspection, talking to close friends about feels and reading.
I’ll link an article to self-awareness by the author Mark Manson, which I found rather apt.
5. Appreciate the little things
I explored this briefly in my article on fulfilment. The value of appreciation and gratitude is underrated. Amidst all the struggles and setbacks of life, we fail to realise how privileged we are. There is a lot of fulfilment that can be found in appreciation and it helps us to maintain a more positive outlook of life.
6. Keep your friends close
Not referrencing The Godfather. Friends are an emotional support system and I cannot overstate the importance of this. Having someone to share your successes, fears or troubles with makes life a lot more fulfilling and less stressful.
Also, it helps to identify who are your closest friends — people that have your back through thick or thin and mould you into a better person. These are the friends to dedicate more of your time and care toward.
7. You only see a facade of someone
Even for the most open and outspoken people, you only see the side that they choose to show you. Not exactly sure what I’m trying to get at but I guess the message here is that identities are complex. Be less judgemental and understand that there’s a lot more to someone than meets the eye.
However, this isn’t a bad thing. Understanding this can help us to build better relationships by knowing how to approach sensitive issues and showing compassion as well as vulnerability. Personally, I think I’m usually quite reserved about my thoughts but I’ve turned to writing this blog to start being more open about them.
8. Don’t expect too much from anyone
Yeah, this sounds like pretty common advice, but it is practical in avoiding disappointment. If someone disappoints you or something does not turn out the way you thought it should, maybe it’s time to manage our expectations and try and hinge them on factors we can control instead.
9. Engage in meaningful & deeper conversations
This is something I’ve only truly come to appreciate recently, beyond the typical casual banter. Such conversations are the ones that strengthen the bonds of our friendships. It is also through such conversations that I’ve realised how much I can learn from others and how interesting it is to hear of another person’s perspective on something. It makes me curious to learn more about something.
But they don’t have to be ‘profound’ or philosophical discussions to be considered meaningful or deep. Even something as simple as discussing goals or interests or some embarrassing story can be extremely wholesome.
And beyond that, I really appreciate meeting and conversing with new people. It’s always interesting to find out that someone shares the same interests or experiences as you or to learn about a cool hobby that someone has.
10. Go on walks alone / spend alone time
No matter how extroverted I’d like to consider myself to be, spending alone time really hits different; going for late-night walks or runs are great for gaining perspective or simply finding some serenity from the shit-storms of life. Such moments of introspection are what helps me to become more self-aware, suppress unhealthy thoughts or feelings and to re-evaluate my goals, priorities or expectations.
I actually first drafted this article back in March but could never get round to expressing what I felt. Recently, something quite unforeseen hit me pretty hard and I guess I’m using my thoughts and reflections from that experience to truly express my thoughts. I guess in some ways, that event has presented itself as an opportunity. A lot of what I’m basing my content on now is circumstantial, so my perspective may be slightly predisposed to being impassioned.
